Kimberly Rivando-Robb Series #1

Wow! It has been a very long time since a blog has gone up. This past few months has been busy with a lot of changes and exciting projects. I will share those soon but in the meantime, I am so excited to be sharing this guest blog post with you. When I started this blog, I really wanted to make this a space to highlight others in community. I have this vision that this blog will be a collection of declarations of strength, resistance, and wisdom.

This guest blogger embodies all of that! I’m excited to be partnering with Kimberly Rivando-Robb from RetroScripts. Kimberly is writing a series for this blog where Kimberly will share knowledge, experiences, pain, wisdom and resistance with you all.

Here is a little bit about Kimberly:

Kimberley Rivando-Robb has an English Language and Literature degree, a post graduate degree in Journalism New Media and her diploma as a Personal Support Worker. She is the owner of RetroScripts, a writing company and Eunoia Untamed a company that supports creatives and asks you to live your life unapologetically. She is an upbeat, quirky woman who is passionate about the environment, human interactions and the documentation of lives. She thrives on positive energy, and has made it her goal to meet the needs of ALL in our community. Strength, support, and creativity is something that she believes is a necessity to life, a need in which she is happy to provide.

My Story
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain.
In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.
But it is never gone.”- Rose Kennedy

My name is Kimberley Rivando- Robb. I’m a writer, a witchy badass environmentalist, an animal rescuer, a mother and a wife doing her best to live life on my terms. I was invited to write a series of blogs for Collaborative Community Solutions, and I thought I’d start by doing something that I rarely do and give an inside look at the paths and choices that have made me who I am today.

My story, in some ways, is very similar to the millions of abused women around the world. I can connect to those who have had shitty childhoods, have been used in every way, have had to show resilience and take a stand for themselves when it was clear no one else would. What makes my story different is that I’m Kimberley, and no one has ever or will ever walk the same path that I have.

They say everything happens for a reason, and I used to HATE this saying. Why the hell would anyone allow a child to grow up hated by the one person in life who should protect her? Why would there be a reason for one person to experience such pain, embarrassment and depression before the tender age of 19? I never understood how there could be a reason for it. Today, I’m honestly not sure where I stand on this idea. Although I would NEVER wish the negative experiences that I’ve had in my life on anyone else, I can’t help but notice that I wouldn’t be who I am without them. I wouldn’t have the strength, the know-how, the badass attitude, the resilience to bounce back from any unfortunate event. My creativity, boundaries, and bleeding heart- are all byproducts of the things that happened in my childhood.

I have been through a lot in my life, and if I’m honest, there were times I was scared beyond belief and didn’t see a way out beyond a coffin. There were paths that I felt drawn to take that could have led me straight towards substance abuse, sadness, pain and ultimately death. Why I didn’t end up taking those roads and instead took the harder one that forced me to look within, I don’t really know.

When people first meet me, they see a Capricorn in many ways; determined, a fighter and goal-oriented. Others may see an inspired, quirky, passionate, tree-hugging woman. That’s the side of me I allow people to see, the side that most are more comfortable with.

The other side of me is broken, in a constant state of repair, fighting inner demons while maintaining balance. My heart, I often say, is a gelatinous, black blob held together by staples, thread, oozing and often becoming unraveled, needing the love of the forest to restitch it and keep it beating. Few people have had a glimpse at this side of me, the side that I love just as much as the other, if I’m honest.

Let me back up for a second and explain.

Growing up, I never had the storybook childhood that some kids did. Don’t get me wrong, I went on adventures, played sports, loved my dad and siblings, and excelled in school, but it was also a life of confusion, oppression and sadness. I was regularly abused by someone who should have been my biggest protector in life, and I didn’t know who I was. Often after walking by a mirror, I was shocked by the reflection looking back. I was beaten down to believe I was worthless and that my achievements weren’t the byproduct of hard work but rather the “positive” result of my abuser pushing me beyond my limits. I was shown ways in which I could end my life, I flinched anytime an adult raised their hand, and I was told that the few friends that I did have were only there to watch the debacle my life would surely turn into. As a result, as a child, I believed I was a mistake, and I began to allow others to beat me down and abuse me too, a self-inflicted punishment, if you will.

As a teenager, I was a volcano imploding. I figured out fast that I was a pretty good actress, so I put on a smile, laughed, and pretended to have fun, but on the inside, I was dead. I felt nothing. It was like I was empty and was just a hollow shell of the person I could have been. I lied to everyone and pretended I was ok but also blocked out anyone who became too close to me. I didn’t want anyone to touch me, let alone anyone’s love.

I re-created myself into the person I thought I should be in university. Instead of being the victim, I turned myself into the woman that, in my mind, people would want to be around. I started drinking most nights and sometimes during the day because, let’s be serious, who remembers someone when they are drunk? How I managed to balance three jobs, school, and rugby is a bit of a mystery. I thought I was taking control of my life by turning into the woman no one could hurt but inside; I believed that I was stupid, unimportant and utterly worthless.

At the end of my second year, I was exhausted. You may not realize it, but it’s hard to pretend to be someone you’re not for so long. I was the opposite of the Kimberley I am today. One night after crawling into bed just before 4 am, I realized that I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was at the end of my rope, in too deep, and I could no longer see the surface of the water that should have been holding me up. I needed someone to help me deal with my problems, not only with the attacks I’d endured but everything that had happened in my life. I tried various therapists, counsellors, support people, but nothing clicked. The medication I was prescribed as a young teen had dulled my creative side and left me in a fog. While lying vulnerable in the forest under a giant tree, I figured out that my connection to nature, myself, and writing was actually the medicine my soul needed. The antidote that would pull me out of that state of despair could be found only within me.

I was literally taking off a disguise and slowly taking down the massive wall I’d built brick by brick. I started to see through the new holes as my life began to take shape. I found a trusted furry four-legged companion who truly cared about me, and I started to find myself again. I could finally picture the woman I wanted to be and put to rest the hurt, broken girl.

I had to take the time to discover who I was, making up for those moments that most children experience when growing up that lead them to their values and their mission. I had to find my passion and discover what my opinions were. I had to learn how to love not only those around me but also myself.

It’s funny how we all have ups and downs in life; moments that test our resolve, but the key is to keep climbing back up every time you get knocked down. You HAVE to know yourself both inside and out to establish your boundaries, to fight back against those who want to tear you down. You have to become your own best friend, lover, protector, cheerleader, passion, future.

​​Today I’m a woman in her mid-thirties who has lived many lives and is still discovering what life is all about. My journey has been messy, filled with thorns, sharp edges, and sadness, but in the last ten years has opened me up to love, adventure, heart, and joy. I don’t see things as I once did, with tears running down my face. Instead, I can stand with the rain washing over me, my head held high, shoulders back, and a determined look in my eyes. I’ve built my family, my tribe, based on who I want in my life, not according to if they share DNA with me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve been dealt quite a few bad hands, and there are reasons things have happened in my life, but ultimately, it’s up to me to decide what path to take next and how to interpret those reasons.

To find out more about Kimberly and stay in the loop about what Kimberly has going on; check out the social media info below.

Website: www.retroscripts.ca
FB and Instagram:
@retroscripts
@kimberleyunleashed